I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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