K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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