i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
