I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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