My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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