Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
