i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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