she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize