He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love accidental penises.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
