Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
