Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
