Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
