Operation Purity has been aborted
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
