so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
