i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
