I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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