And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
