I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
