Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
