we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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