So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
