I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
