i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
