a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
