If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
