We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
