Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize