so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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