I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
