i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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