you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I just put wine in my tea
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
