I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
