i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
