That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
