yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
