Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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