last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
