Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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