thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
