I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
