I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
