I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
