Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
