Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
