just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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