i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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