so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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