How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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