i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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