He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
