Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
