I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
