Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
