Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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